Beyond · All · Redemption

i want my chest pressed to your chest
my nervous systems interfere
ten or eleven months have passed
i think i'll wait another year

this weather turns my tricks to rust
i am a lousy engineer
the winter makes things hard enough
i think i'll wait another year

plus i'm only twenty-six years old
my grandma died at eighty-three
that's lots of time if i don't smoke
i think i'll wait another year

i'm not as callous as you think
i barely breath when you are near
it's not as bad when i don't drink
i think i'll wait another year

i have my new bill hicks cd
i have my friends and my career
i'm getting smaller by degrees
you said you'd help me disappear

but that could take forever
i think i'll wait another year
it'll be the best year ever
i think i'll wait another year
can't we just wait together
you bring the smokes, i'll bring the beer
i think i'll wait another year

Another Year-Amanda Palmer

this song makes who killed amanda palmer worth buying. if not for all the other amazing songs/art available with it as well.

whokilledamandapalmer.com

This weekend was absolutely fucking ridiculous. Friday was an especially chaotic/fun filled day/evening. I went to Madison to slap up the posters that Mandy and I made the other night, and had somepizza at Ian's. They finally had some spinach/feta cheese pizza. I was so geeked. Their pizza fucking rocks.

I drove to Milwaukee after getting all the posters up to go to Sydnie's apartment for Alex's graduation party.We didn't have any koolaid to mix with our vodka, so we ran to the store, and ended up getting some hello kitty cupcakes while we were there. They were so yummy and me and mandy just ended up shoving WHOLE cupcakes in our mouths to eat them. Rachel showed up sometime later, and this photo happened. we were bored and for some reason decided to have a picture of us tying to get our feet over our heads.
looking at it now, it's sort of whorey.

and we played with the ouija board again, which kind of bored the shit out of me,and we started drinking. I had the equivalent of 4 drinks by the time alex arrived with the actual booze.

When I started drinking beer, everything went down hill.

I was out on the balcony drinking my beer and smoking a cigartette and was pissed that Ben still hadn't fucking answered my question that i texted him, and because i was upset, and my motor skills were impaired, my phone came less than an inch from falling off the balcony and smashing all over the ground. Most everything after that, i can't remember at all. The next thing i remember was falling on the floor and all of my friends racing to make sure i didn't hurt myself badly or destroy anything.

They decided it was time for me to sleep and I finally actually stayed where I was told to after I fell. My ass has a big purple and blue bruise on it from whatever i hit on the way down. I probably almost had to replace sydnie's television as well, because that almost came crashing down on me.

(post drinks. I'm surprised no one took that beer from me. Rachel and I were the only two drunk at that point in the evening. That point of no return. Everyone else had sobered up, and I seriously can't even remember being in that photo.)

In the morning, Alex had already left, and mandy, sydnie and rachel came into john's room to wake me up. I consumed a shit load of apple juice, and mandy and i were on our way home. we stopped at fuckdonald's for some drinks and i dropped her off so she could go to work.

Current Mood:	chipper
Current Music:	My Friend Has A Problem-Emilyn Brodsky

man, my life has been one jumble clusterfuck of events lately. 
a year ago today i would have never dreamed that all of the 
crazy things that have happened would ever happen. 
in the past year, i got drunk and broke my phone in amanda 
palmer's house, got hugged by lee barron, met my siblings, met my father,
met a whole bunch of relatives, got back in touch with my ex lover,
started full time at work and have become completely void of emotions. 

most recently, (two weeks ago) my friend ben that i have been working with
for almost a year ago decided that i needed some new music and he handed
me a sd card full of a few cd's. when he handed it to me, i asked him what
was on it, because i knew that he had a pretty eclectic taste in music. 
he rattled off a few names of bands i'd heard before (the scissors sisters,
muse, coheed and cambria) and then said something to the effect of
oh, and this band you've probably never heard of before-the dresden dolls.

i flipped my shit for the first time at work ever. it's understandable, considering the
environment of the place. It's a huge warehouse full of items for convienence stores.
the city i live in is full of of blue collared workers. they mostly all listen to either
country, pop or rap. i thought i was the only person in the whole place that knew
who the dolls were. a guy walked up to me a few weeks ago when i was
wearing a dolls shirt and asked 'what the hell are the dresden dolls?"
i told him they're a band from boston who performs with only a piano and drums 
and occasionally a guitar.  he responded "oh, they sound like a bunch of hookers."

he had no idea how funny that was to me. 
but anyway, i flipped my shit when he said "the dresden dolls"
and pretty much said "NO FUCKING WAY! You know who the dolls are???"
the rest of the night, we basically spent talking about the band, and how i got
to know them.  the next night at work he played "yes, virginia"  for me, and i was
ever-so-productive that night, being happy as a clam, listening to my favorite band at work.
it was almost like being in a state of nirvana. a break from the stale dullness of 
rhianna, mariah carrey and Flo-Rida.

My mom bought a wii a few months ago in arizona and we've been searching for
a wii fit board for about a month now, and she finally found one at wal mart the 
other day when she was in there with my grandma (who surprised us all by coming
home last weekend from california, on a whim for a month.) 
it's so much fun. I love doing the yoga on it and have actually lost about five pounds this week. 

i'm  trying to eat healthier than i had been, and i'm soon going to get my ass to the gym
once they open the pool back up. it's hard. last year when i gave up red meat, i dropped
twenty pounds. this year i'm trying to do the same thing plus exercizing. the exercize actually
is making me feel wonderful and the yoga makes my back feel so much better for work . 

me, mandy and alex went to the zoo a few weeks ago. it was so much fun. we got a new baby
dolphin for our other two dolphins that we take everywhere with us. her name is purple haze.
she's so cute. and we finally got our asses on getting some facebook pages for the little dolphins. 
the zoo was so much fun. we pet stingrays and sharks and saw the polar bear, and hung out making
fun of little kids and riding the zoo train. the photos are on my facebook. 

the fourth was fun.i got mandy a little buzzed that night on raspberry rum/lemonade/jello shots.
it was so awesome. we saw fireworks before hand and then went back to the trailer and i got 
trashed and accidently told her about me and ben being back together for a very short period of time
and how phil got into my pants at kayla's a few months ago when i was trashed. she said she'll break
phil's hands if he ever even so much as TRIES touching me again, drunk or sober. 

ah, and then there's the fun part...where ben texts me on sunday  while i was on the phone
with my little sister. i was totally shocked by it and had to hang up with her to see what the fuck
he had said to me. all he said was 'hey, what's up" and then as the conversation went on, 
he told me that his girlfriend broke up with him on the fourth and that he was still nursing the
hangover from trying to forget that she did that to him. 

he texts me when he wants to fuck.

i was being a nice girl, and on tuesday, i fucking made him brownies. 
he blew me off to hang out with andy
and i haven't called or texted him since. 

it's always the same kind of shit with him. he goes off with some other chick,
comes back to me when he's done with her or  her with him. 
i hate being that girl. he's had me under his control for five years now. 
you'd think i'd be able to let go, but i can't. i thought i had. but i can't.

no one wants me to be with him. not me, not my friends, not my family
not his friends, nor his family, and i dont' think he even wants to be with me
but sees me as the girl who's always available for him. 

i have to stop being that girl . 

in other news, i'm going to the only concert of the summer i can go to in august.
amanda palmer's playing in chicago. i got my tickets in the mail the other day
and found out today that vermillion lies is going to be the opener for her. 
i can't fucking wait... i've never seen them play before, and i really want to get
both of their cd's and one of those bad ass vermillion lies shirts. 

hopefully those cool wkap shirts will be for sale as well. 
guitar hero is off the fucking HOOK. i love it so hard.
i'm not sure that i like astronaut, but it'll probably grow on me.

after reading all the stories, and seeing a bunch of photos from the rothbury festival,
i really kind of want to hang myself for not being able to go. it seems like
it was a rock love kind of weekend in the best way possible. 

well, anywho, this weekend i'm going to alex's graduation party and hopefully
i'll be able to make nice with his sister so that i can just go over to ben's
whenever i fucking feel like it (she's his roomie, along with andy, his best friend.)

Current Mood:	indifferent
Current Music:	Foundations-Kate Nash

my tolerance is fucking through the roof lately.
i think it might be because all i do is freakin' binge drink
and my body is used to me fucking things up.
i guess it's because i'm half german/half irish.
i just found out about the irish thing.
it makes sense. nanie and papa always want to drink beer with me.

i only smoke when i'm stressed out.
or when it's a special occasion (when i smoke cigars with mandy)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKZkKGz-g4M

i'm in this video. i am loved.

Current Location:	your mom
Current Mood:	giggly
Current Music:	Nazi Halo-Jack off Jill

my dreams that came true in the past year up to this point, were....

meeting brian
graduating from high school
meeting amanda
meeting lauryn
partying at the cc
meeting the sibs
meeting my father

and the last fantastic dream
happened today.

my father
finallyyyyyyy took me to meet my grandparents.

it was a super weird experience and i'm positive that he's going to catch a TON of flack for this whole situation.

nanie and papa put on their happy faces though, and were true thespians, hiding their anger with him and focusing their
attention on me. 

the kids and i walked in the door and nanie got up to greet us. my father's sister, colleen was there and papa, colleen and nanie all greeted me nicely, and introduced themselves. i felt super weird and kind of awkward about it all. nanie got on the phone to call my aunt rose to tell her to come over with my cousins jacob and jennifer. she said 'bob and the kids are here and a friend of his.' Aaron blurted out that i am dad's DAUGHTER. she must have ignored him, for a reason.they were all really nice to me, and my dad called nanie into the kitchen to explain that I AM HIS DAUGHTER.

Meanwhile, Colleen was showing me a photo of my twin cousins and said, oh these are the kids' cousins who live in california. i said, 'oh, they must be my cousins, too." taken aback, she asked how that might be. I said, wellll i'm bob's daughter, your niece, the kids' sister. she had a look of utter shock and terror on her face. Nanie came out of the kitchen at that point and gave me a huge hug and kiss and told everyone that i was her granddaughter. She looked over at papa and said, 'this is your granddaughter,kenny, this is amanda!" 

he told me to get over there and give him a hug. he gave me a kiss on the cheek and was so excited to meet me. i'd never been in that sort of situation EVER before in my life. to have someone that JAZZED about meeting ME! the kids were excited for sure, but i'd never had a reaction before like papa did. he was seriously geeking out and so happy. 

nanie asked me a lot of questions and had to have a photo of all of us kids. aunt rosie took the photo. it was the first photo i'd ever been in with my father. weird some more. dad took me to get my car, and i hung out some more over at nanie and papa's. they couldn't believe how much lexie and i look alike from the photos i brought, and from my general appearance.

nanie gave me an easter egg with two dollars in it and a candy and was writing my name, number and birthday everywhere she possibly could. i can't wait to see them both next week at paige's first communion. they are so awesome. they are people with just FANTASTIC personalities. Nanie said, 'i bet this is just a dream come true for you, amanda.'

it sure was....