Beyond All Redemption

Say Hello To The Angels....

2009-09-24T14:10:33Z

Last night, Miriam and Eric's sweet baby girl passed away.

Hailey was a friendly, precious little girl.
Her big blue eyes were so pretty, and she captivated everyone that met her.
The last time I saw her, she took center stage when Miriam and I were hanging out.
She entertained us by dancing to her favorite musical toy and let me hold her baby,
the only baby she'd ever have, a doll that no one else wanted,
from St. Vinny's that her mommy let her pick out.
Miriam said that she carried around that ugly doll with her everywhere and that her name was "baby."
I remember the day that Miriam called me to tell her that she'd had Hailey.
I was sitting on the floor in the upstairs bedroom of my uncle's house when I got the call.
Miriam was filled with so much joy that she had a little girl to love and to cherish.
Everyone knew that Hailey was Miriam's whole world. She loved her so much, and no one could ever argue about that fact.

I can't believe she's gone. It's only been two weeks since they found out that their sweet baby was diagnosed with Leukemia.
So many people rallied together in support of the family, bringing them meals and setting up fundraisers to help them out
with the massive amount of bills and such that were piling up from all the tests and treatments she was going through.
Last week, Hailey was doing well. That all stopped last night when her poor little heart stopped beating and they weren't able to revive her.

For some reason, that little girl's personality struck me, even at her young age and I'm going to miss seeing her.

Say Hello to the Angels for me, Hailey.
See you again soon.

lovinmuffin43 @ 2008-10-01T03:34:00

2008-10-01T08:37:18Z

i love it when i get nice emails
from people that i love.

especially when they say things like this...

You RULE SO MUCH!!! I LOVE YOU TONS!!!

Thanks for being such a great friend.

Because I can, Because No One Can Stop Me

2008-09-29T05:39:20Z

Yep.
i wasn't lying in my last post.
My loyalties lie with brian.
<3
AJT

lovinmuffin43 @ 2008-09-26T01:50:00

2008-09-26T07:08:01Z

meme stolen from literaryradical.

1. What time did you get up this morning?
2 PM.

2. Diamonds or pearls?
Diamonds!

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Pineapple Express.

4. What is your favourite TV show?
Freaks and Geeks.

5. What do you usually have for breakfast?
technically, i never have breakfast since i wake up mid-day usually.
but, on the weekends, i LOVE hashbrowns, eggs and bacon.

6. What food do you dislike?
lately, any red meat makes me want to gag.

7. What is your favourite CD at moment?
WHO KILLED AMANDA PALMER.

8. What kind of car do you drive?
A Light Blue 1993 Oldsmobile Cutless Cierra.

9. Favourite sandwich?
Turkey BLT from culver's

10. What characteristic do you despise?
Flakiness

11. Favourite item of clothing?
Any of my band t-shirts/mary janes.

12. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
at this point, i'd say nyc or london.

13. Favourite brand of clothing?
Maurice's.

14. Where would you retire to?
not sure. haven't really thought of it.

15. What was your most recent memorable birthday?
my 19th Birthday. I got really sloppy hammered on top shelf margaritas and jack and cokes. I spent the evening with my sisters, brother, best friends and family, and family friends. it was fucking awesome. let's see if i can top that one this year...

16. Favourite sport to watch?
I love going to hockey games. The fights are the best. To watch on T.V., i like football a lot.

17. When is your birthday?
November 2.

18. Are you a morning person or a night person?
night person. the morning and i are not friends.

19. What is your shoe size?
9.5-10.

20. Pets?
none anymore.

21. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us?
eh, no.

22. What did you want to be when you where little?
Doctor, nurse, doctor, nurse, mortician....

23. How are you today?
really tired. i was sick earlier and i really don't like people today.

24. What is your favourite candy?
circus peanuts.

25. What is your favourite flower?
Jasmine. I absolutely love the smell.

26. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to?
September 28th. I get to see Brian for the first time since January.

27. What is your full name?
Amanda Jane Thoni

28. What are you listening to right now?
Vanity-Mr. Bungle

29. What was the last thing you ate?
My Little Pony Fruit Snacks.

30. Do you wish on stars?
nah, i don't really take the time to look at the sky very often anymore.

31. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be?
Magenta

32. How is the weather right now?
Perfect.

33. The first person you spoke to on the phone today?
i can't remember. lots of people tried getting a hold of me today.

34. Favourite soft drink?
Coca-Cola with grenadine (Cherry Coke)

35. Favourite restaurant?
Ella's Deli.

36. Real hair colour?
Dirty Blonde.

37. What was your favourite toy as a child?
Ichabod, the naked baby that i dragged around with me everywhere.

38. Summer or winter?
Winter!

39. Hugs or kisses?
Kisses.

40. Chocolate or vanilla?
Chocolate

41. Coffee or tea?
Depends. I love them both equally. it really does depend on how they're prepared, though.

42. Do you want your friends to fill this in?
surely.

43. When was the last time you cried?
last night, in my car, during my lunch break when i was reading amanda's box post on my phone.

44. What is under your bed?
lots of junk.

45. What did you do last night?
Worked.

46. What are you afraid of?
Your Mom.

47. Salty/savoury or sweet?
Sweet.

48. How many keys on your key ring?
Three. two to my car, one to my hizzle. i had another one, but i sent it to beth. it's to my back door.

49. How many years at your current job?
3 and a half years.

50. Favourite day of the week?
Fridays/Saturdays

51. Do you make friends easily?
Yeah, i don't keep them easily though. I'm too quick to find flaws.

if you were a john, i would be your whore.

2008-09-19T06:15:10Z

- take a picture of yourself right now. don't change your clothes, don't fix your hair - just take a picture. post that picture with NO editing. post these instructions with the picture.

lovinmuffin43 @ 2008-09-13T02:00:00

2008-09-13T07:03:05Z

and, voila!

i have a nose piercing!

i'm kind of wondering what my siblings/father are going to say
about it tommorrow. "let's label amanda as a FREAK!" i can picture it all now.

i'll post photos later, when rachel uploads them, of the actual
nose piercing process. i've always wanted to do it, and being
at the tattoo place made me want it even more.

it's made of awesome.

i'm addicted to bad ideas...

2008-09-13T06:21:01Z

i got my nose pierced today.

i am bad ass.

i want my chest pressed to your chest.

2008-09-09T19:11:24Z

i tried to fall in it again
my friends took bets and disappeared
they mime their sighing violins
i think i'll wait another year

i want my chest pressed to your chest
my nervous systems interfere
ten or eleven months have passed
i think i'll wait another year

this weather turns my tricks to rust
i am a lousy engineer
the winter makes things hard enough
i think i'll wait another year

plus i'm only twenty-six years old
my grandma died at eighty-three
that's lots of time if i don't smoke
i think i'll wait another year

i'm not as callous as you think
i barely breath when you are near
it's not as bad when i don't drink
i think i'll wait another year

i have my new bill hicks cd
i have my friends and my career
i'm getting smaller by degrees
you said you'd help me disappear

but that could take forever
i think i'll wait another year
it'll be the best year ever
i think i'll wait another year
can't we just wait together
you bring the smokes, i'll bring the beer
i think i'll wait another year

Another Year-Amanda Palmer

this song makes who killed amanda palmer worth buying. if not for all the other amazing songs/art available with it as well.

whokilledamandapalmer.com

making jewelery makes me high

2008-08-25T21:08:28Z

i'm kind of high and i need to go to work in an hour and a half.
that's probably a pretty bad thing.

it's the sort of high from inhaling fumes, though, not pot.
i've been trying to make the resin bottlecap jewelery
and the fumes make me really loopy and light headed.

it's not cool.

Tonight in photos

2008-08-24T09:06:45Z

I was "Miss Give Me Your Fuggin' Money" at the Vermillion Lies show.

Kim Vermillion Molested Pink Floyd while I held on to him.

I geeked out about my new Vermillion Lies shirt...

AND THE BEST PART OF THE WHOLE NIGHT...

MUSTACHE RIDES!!! 5 cents!!!

fucking amazing. life is wonderous.

lovinmuffin43 @ 2008-08-20T03:57:00

2008-08-20T08:59:48Z

trying to forget the life i've chosen
i partied like a fool
downing vodka like water
burning myself with that clove cigarette
falling into a puddle on the floor

you wouldn't answer me
my phone isn't broken
though i almost let it
fly off of that balcony
when i heard your name

the carpet in the room that i fell
was one that you stole
from the old KFC
that was razed months ago

i just wanted you by my side
drinking high life
smiling stupid grins
kissing those kisses again

the next day
i felt reality again
the bruise on my ass
the burn on my arm
the stories from the night before

you were there
at the art store
pretending that nothing happened
hiding the nervousness
staring at me while i got my change

when i wanted to fuck
i texted you
no more secrets
no more lies
no more trying

consuming my mind
raging through my body
damaging my nerves

time for another cigarette
time for an additional drink
time to give up.

Gravity plays favorites...

2008-08-18T09:25:21Z

I know because i fell.

This weekend was absolutely fucking ridiculous. Friday was an especially chaotic/fun filled day/evening. I went to Madison to slap up the posters that Mandy and I made the other night, and had somepizza at Ian's. They finally had some spinach/feta cheese pizza. I was so geeked. Their pizza fucking rocks.

I drove to Milwaukee after getting all the posters up to go to Sydnie's apartment for Alex's graduation party.We didn't have any koolaid to mix with our vodka, so we ran to the store, and ended up getting some hello kitty cupcakes while we were there. They were so yummy and me and mandy just ended up shoving WHOLE cupcakes in our mouths to eat them. Rachel showed up sometime later, and this photo happened. we were bored and for some reason decided to have a picture of us tying to get our feet over our heads.
looking at it now, it's sort of whorey.

and we played with the ouija board again, which kind of bored the shit out of me,and we started drinking. I had the equivalent of 4 drinks by the time alex arrived with the actual booze.

When I started drinking beer, everything went down hill.

I was out on the balcony drinking my beer and smoking a cigartette and was pissed that Ben still hadn't fucking answered my question that i texted him, and because i was upset, and my motor skills were impaired, my phone came less than an inch from falling off the balcony and smashing all over the ground. Most everything after that, i can't remember at all. The next thing i remember was falling on the floor and all of my friends racing to make sure i didn't hurt myself badly or destroy anything.

They decided it was time for me to sleep and I finally actually stayed where I was told to after I fell. My ass has a big purple and blue bruise on it from whatever i hit on the way down. I probably almost had to replace sydnie's television as well, because that almost came crashing down on me.

(post drinks. I'm surprised no one took that beer from me. Rachel and I were the only two drunk at that point in the evening. That point of no return. Everyone else had sobered up, and I seriously can't even remember being in that photo.)

In the morning, Alex had already left, and mandy, sydnie and rachel came into john's room to wake me up. I consumed a shit load of apple juice, and mandy and i were on our way home. we stopped at fuckdonald's for some drinks and i dropped her off so she could go to work.

I wanted to make some bottle cap jewelery, so i went to nasco in fort (where ben works. I didn't go there because he was there, i went there because i needed shit for the jewelery) People that work there are always so incredibly helpful. I saw that Ben was working, since his car was in the parking lot, but when i went in, he wasn't anywhere to be found. A very nice old lady that works there that i've seen in there several times before helped me with he epoxy that i needed for the surface of the ring, and as she was checking me out, Ben came out of the back room. He said hey, and asked what was up with me, and the lady at the store told him that i was making bottle cap jewelery. She had me show it to him, and he thought it was cool, i guess. We said our goodbyes and i went back to janesville, trying to find the rings for the back of the bottlecaps.
NO fucking place in janesville has generic rings like i needed. I went to Michael's, Hobby Lobby, WalMart, and JoAnne Fabrics in search of them. No one would help me, and I couldn't find them anywhere, so i went back to fort. The people that work there are, again, so VERY nice. The lady who previously helped me enlisted a guy that worked there to scour the catalogs for the rings. He found them, went into the warehouse and retrieved them for me.
Ben came out of the back again, pretty much immediately after the man brought me the rings, and asked if i had run out of the epoxy already. I told him NO, that i needed the rings i forgot. We chatted for a bit, and the man who brought the rings to me checked me out, while ben stood not even 5 feet away, staring at me with his body turned directly at me. When I looked up, he looked away. I don't understand that about him. He's still so hard to read after all of these years. It wasn't even awkward for me to talk to him, even though we had seen each other in our most vulnerable positions. He made me a woman, though I think he was more nervous than I was. The only moment during the day when i was nervous, was when I saw his car in the parking lot. My heart raced like the first time i knew he was there, and really didn't want to see him (when we made peace with each other after a year and a half of not talking.)

what the fuck is up with this shit?

2008-07-11T06:09:15Z

man, my life has been one jumble clusterfuck of events lately.
a year ago today i would have never dreamed that all of the
crazy things that have happened would ever happen.
in the past year, i got drunk and broke my phone in amanda
palmer's house, got hugged by lee barron, met my siblings, met my father,
met a whole bunch of relatives, got back in touch with my ex lover,
started full time at work and have become completely void of emotions.

most recently, (two weeks ago) my friend ben that i have been working with
for almost a year ago decided that i needed some new music and he handed
me a sd card full of a few cd's. when he handed it to me, i asked him what
was on it, because i knew that he had a pretty eclectic taste in music.
he rattled off a few names of bands i'd heard before (the scissors sisters,
muse, coheed and cambria) and then said something to the effect of
oh, and this band you've probably never heard of before-the dresden dolls.

i flipped my shit for the first time at work ever. it's understandable, considering the
environment of the place. It's a huge warehouse full of items for convienence stores.
the city i live in is full of of blue collared workers. they mostly all listen to either
country, pop or rap. i thought i was the only person in the whole place that knew
who the dolls were. a guy walked up to me a few weeks ago when i was
wearing a dolls shirt and asked 'what the hell are the dresden dolls?"
i told him they're a band from boston who performs with only a piano and drums
and occasionally a guitar. he responded "oh, they sound like a bunch of hookers."

he had no idea how funny that was to me.
but anyway, i flipped my shit when he said "the dresden dolls"
and pretty much said "NO FUCKING WAY! You know who the dolls are???"
the rest of the night, we basically spent talking about the band, and how i got
to know them. the next night at work he played "yes, virginia" for me, and i was
ever-so-productive that night, being happy as a clam, listening to my favorite band at work.
it was almost like being in a state of nirvana. a break from the stale dullness of
rhianna, mariah carrey and Flo-Rida.

My mom bought a wii a few months ago in arizona and we've been searching for
a wii fit board for about a month now, and she finally found one at wal mart the
other day when she was in there with my grandma (who surprised us all by coming
home last weekend from california, on a whim for a month.)
it's so much fun. I love doing the yoga on it and have actually lost about five pounds this week.

i'm trying to eat healthier than i had been, and i'm soon going to get my ass to the gym
once they open the pool back up. it's hard. last year when i gave up red meat, i dropped
twenty pounds. this year i'm trying to do the same thing plus exercizing. the exercize actually
is making me feel wonderful and the yoga makes my back feel so much better for work .

me, mandy and alex went to the zoo a few weeks ago. it was so much fun. we got a new baby
dolphin for our other two dolphins that we take everywhere with us. her name is purple haze.
she's so cute. and we finally got our asses on getting some facebook pages for the little dolphins.
the zoo was so much fun. we pet stingrays and sharks and saw the polar bear, and hung out making
fun of little kids and riding the zoo train. the photos are on my facebook.

the fourth was fun.i got mandy a little buzzed that night on raspberry rum/lemonade/jello shots.
it was so awesome. we saw fireworks before hand and then went back to the trailer and i got
trashed and accidently told her about me and ben being back together for a very short period of time
and how phil got into my pants at kayla's a few months ago when i was trashed. she said she'll break
phil's hands if he ever even so much as TRIES touching me again, drunk or sober.

ah, and then there's the fun part...where ben texts me on sunday while i was on the phone
with my little sister. i was totally shocked by it and had to hang up with her to see what the fuck
he had said to me. all he said was 'hey, what's up" and then as the conversation went on,
he told me that his girlfriend broke up with him on the fourth and that he was still nursing the
hangover from trying to forget that she did that to him.

he texts me when he wants to fuck.

i was being a nice girl, and on tuesday, i fucking made him brownies.
he blew me off to hang out with andy
and i haven't called or texted him since.

it's always the same kind of shit with him. he goes off with some other chick,
comes back to me when he's done with her or her with him.
i hate being that girl. he's had me under his control for five years now.
you'd think i'd be able to let go, but i can't. i thought i had. but i can't.

no one wants me to be with him. not me, not my friends, not my family
not his friends, nor his family, and i dont' think he even wants to be with me
but sees me as the girl who's always available for him.

i have to stop being that girl .

in other news, i'm going to the only concert of the summer i can go to in august.
amanda palmer's playing in chicago. i got my tickets in the mail the other day
and found out today that vermillion lies is going to be the opener for her.
i can't fucking wait... i've never seen them play before, and i really want to get
both of their cd's and one of those bad ass vermillion lies shirts.

hopefully those cool wkap shirts will be for sale as well.
guitar hero is off the fucking HOOK. i love it so hard.
i'm not sure that i like astronaut, but it'll probably grow on me.

after reading all the stories, and seeing a bunch of photos from the rothbury festival,
i really kind of want to hang myself for not being able to go. it seems like
it was a rock love kind of weekend in the best way possible.

well, anywho, this weekend i'm going to alex's graduation party and hopefully
i'll be able to make nice with his sister so that i can just go over to ben's
whenever i fucking feel like it (she's his roomie, along with andy, his best friend.)

lovinmuffin43 @ 2008-05-08T14:22:00

2008-05-08T19:34:26Z

so, mandy came over today
with a surprise in hand.

the bag said "happy belated birthday"
and there were a shit load of my little pony stickers all over it.

inside the bag were four OLD SCHOOL my little ponies
circa 1983-1987. they're fucking bad ass.

birthday pony. She has balloons all over her.
1987

pegasus pony with pastel rainbow hair.
1983

MY FAVORITE UNICORN PONY.
The hot pink streak is the most bad ass, cool thing ever.
1984

Baby yellow pony. she has a hot air balloon with stars around it on her butt.
1984

EEEEEEE.
iloveponies.

eh

2008-04-15T06:31:35Z

yeah, i don't want kids for awhile.
turning from your own self to a mommy seems like a scary thing to do.
but, if i ever have a baby girl, i'm going to name her June Elizabeth.

tipsy

2008-04-11T07:32:04Z

i drank five beers tonight.
i'm not even drunk.

my tolerance is fucking through the roof lately.
i think it might be because all i do is freakin' binge drink
and my body is used to me fucking things up.
i guess it's because i'm half german/half irish.
i just found out about the irish thing.
it makes sense. nanie and papa always want to drink beer with me.

i only smoke when i'm stressed out.
or when it's a special occasion (when i smoke cigars with mandy)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKZkKGz-g4M

i'm in this video. i am loved.

the dreams that you wish will come true..

2008-03-30T06:37:24Z

my dreams that came true in the past year up to this point, were....

meeting brian
graduating from high school
meeting amanda
meeting lauryn
partying at the cc
meeting the sibs
meeting my father

and the last fantastic dream
happened today.

my father
finallyyyyyyy took me to meet my grandparents.

it was a super weird experience and i'm positive that he's going to catch a TON of flack for this whole situation.

nanie and papa put on their happy faces though, and were true thespians, hiding their anger with him and focusing their
attention on me.

the kids and i walked in the door and nanie got up to greet us. my father's sister, colleen was there and papa, colleen and nanie all greeted me nicely, and introduced themselves. i felt super weird and kind of awkward about it all. nanie got on the phone to call my aunt rose to tell her to come over with my cousins jacob and jennifer. she said 'bob and the kids are here and a friend of his.' Aaron blurted out that i am dad's DAUGHTER. she must have ignored him, for a reason.they were all really nice to me, and my dad called nanie into the kitchen to explain that I AM HIS DAUGHTER.

Meanwhile, Colleen was showing me a photo of my twin cousins and said, oh these are the kids' cousins who live in california. i said, 'oh, they must be my cousins, too." taken aback, she asked how that might be. I said, wellll i'm bob's daughter, your niece, the kids' sister. she had a look of utter shock and terror on her face. Nanie came out of the kitchen at that point and gave me a huge hug and kiss and told everyone that i was her granddaughter. She looked over at papa and said, 'this is your granddaughter,kenny, this is amanda!"

he told me to get over there and give him a hug. he gave me a kiss on the cheek and was so excited to meet me. i'd never been in that sort of situation EVER before in my life. to have someone that JAZZED about meeting ME! the kids were excited for sure, but i'd never had a reaction before like papa did. he was seriously geeking out and so happy.

nanie asked me a lot of questions and had to have a photo of all of us kids. aunt rosie took the photo. it was the first photo i'd ever been in with my father. weird some more. dad took me to get my car, and i hung out some more over at nanie and papa's. they couldn't believe how much lexie and i look alike from the photos i brought, and from my general appearance.

nanie gave me an easter egg with two dollars in it and a candy and was writing my name, number and birthday everywhere she possibly could. i can't wait to see them both next week at paige's first communion. they are so awesome. they are people with just FANTASTIC personalities. Nanie said, 'i bet this is just a dream come true for you, amanda.'

it sure was....